So, it is official. I am hardly ever on this blog anymore, and I am always on My Space. So, it makes sense that I just start blogging on there. So, from now on, you can go here for my blogs:

http://blog.myspace.com/11856417

I went out on my first ride-along with a social worker yesterday at the internship. It was an experience. It felt really good to finally be involved in doing something that for so long I have only heard about in classes. It's rewarding to actually be involved in helping others. I got to help a recovering drug addict fill out job applications and we took her to turn them in. We also helped another girl find a lawyer that would help her fight for custody for her younger siblings. These may seem like easy things to do, but many of these clients don't have the money, the resources, or the transportation to do these things we take for granted. They need someone to help them, and that is what we do. Of course, not everyone wants our help. We went to one lady's house where we were supposed to help her with parenting. She got angry and said she didn't need it, even though the court stated that she did, and refered her to us. She refused to let us in. What I found most interesting is that while she stood there and told us she was a good parent, her daughter had taken off her shoe and was licking dirt off the bottom of it right in front of us, and the mother did nothing. So, this is just the beginning of what I am going to be seeing this semester. It is both exciting and overwhelming at once. But, it makes me feel like I am doing something worthwhile to help out others, not just getting class credit for social work. I am learning and helping.

Other than that, I am so glad to be off this weekend. It's been a stressful week, but I'll try not to complain. I'm really quite blessed that I get to be a part of all these things that are keeping me busy.

I have finally started school. I wanted to have something to do, and I'm getting what was coming to me. This is the beginning of what will be quite a busy semester. I had classes all day yesterday.  My electives seem like they will be interesting and even fun, except for all the work I'll have to do outside of class, in my very limited free time. My class for my internship also seems like it will keep me pretty busy. Today, I started my internship, which really just consisted of filling out some paperwork and sitting in on a staff meeting. I got out of there at 11:00, but normally I will be there most of the day until it is time for work, once I actually start going out on home visits with people. Speaking of work, I also picked up a few more hours at there, because I need the money. So, I am going to be pretty busy all the time between classes, homework, interniship, work, church, and Bible study. I'll make it, though. And I won't have to worry about being bored or sleeping in because I had nothing better to do, like over the summer.

I worked all weekend, and I decided that I'm actually really starting to feel comfortable and like I belong there now. I'm talking to people more and I feel more relaxed and like I know what I am doing. There's all of this drama going on that I have been trying not to get invloved in, though, because I don't want to gossip or take sides. There was a girl that got fired yesterday because of one of these conflicts. I know that the situation had to be dealt with, but at the same time, it's hard, because I was actually getting to know this girl pretty well, and we even talked on the phone, and now she won't be there anymore. But, I am trying my best to stay out of these conflicts and out of the gossip because it only makes people angry at each other and bad things end up happening.

I have to make the first few sentences of my blogs really good from now on, because they're now displayed on my Facebook. That sentence, though, was not very enticing, but, oh well. I'll have to work at it. Anyway...

Well, to begin with, Pumpkin may be okay this time. The vet says he is healing very well, and if he wears clothes all the time, he will probably be unable to tear his skin. So, that is the plan. He will be wearing cute little outfits at all times so his skin is protected. So far, he seems to be getting used to them and is acting fairly normal and happy. If the clothes work, he could still have a normal lifespan and that would be great. So I'm just praying the clothes work.

After a few very hectic, stressful days fillled with things that although seem small, could have been potentially very disastrous, I think things have settled down now. I don't feel like talking about all of it, because now that it's all okay, I just want to not think about it anymore. But, I will say that I am so ready for school to start again. I am ready to be going to my internship and my classes and to be out interacting with people on a daily basis, instead of being a hermit all day and bored.I am just SO ready! Although this summer had some great moments, overall, I am so glad it's finally going to be over. Really, the only thing bad about it ending is that some people left/ are leaving that I wish were going to be around during the school year, but I can't have it all, I guess.

And that's about it for now. Look for more excitement soon when I re-enter the world of school.

This summer was unusual for me when it came to this journal. I barely wrote in it at all. It was 24 days ago that I last wrote. And things did happen I could have written about. Oddly enough, I'll probably write in in more starting in two weeks when I go back to school. The busier I am, the more I need to unwind, and that's what writing in here is all about, unwinding.

The job at Ben Franklin is great. It's not stressful, and I've pretty well gotten the hang of how to do most everything now. It gets easier every time, as I learn where things are located in the store, etc. Even the weekends at the craft desk aren't as bad as at first. I am really glad I got this job. It was worth all those long, boring months without one.

I wrote a long time ago about my cat Pumpkin's skin disease, and how I was worried that if he kept tearing his skin, I didn't know what I was going to do. Six months went by, and he was fine, so I thought maybe it wouldn't be a problem. A week and a half ago, he had a small tear and had to have stitches. I tried not to worry much, thinking maybe that would be it for awhile again. But, then, last week, I came home to find around five small holes in his skin, all in the same general area. Upon taking him to the vet, I discovered he had to have surgery to remove a huge block of his skin, going from his neck, down his side, all the way to his paw. He probably has no less than 30 stitches. And the procedure was more than the cost of a month's rent. His vet said he will probably only get worse. His skin was sent to a research lab for testing to see if there is anything they can do, but the outlook is not good. The only option I see at this point is to have him try wearing clothes at all times so he can't tear his skin, but even that may not work. Sometimes he gets the clothes off. Which leaves the option I'd give anything I could not to take- having him put to sleep. But, I realize that I can't afford surgery for him all the time, and the time may come soon when surgery won't even work because his skin is too fragile. So, the time may come soon when I have to make a very tough decision. To some people, it sounds easy, the cat's sick, so he should be put to sleep and you can get another one. But, it's not really that easy. I love this cat like he is my child. He sleeps next to me every night. Alll these days of summer when I was bored, I played with him more than I did anything else in my free time. Life without him is going to be really hard. I have had many cats in my life, but not a one has been as cuddly and affectionate as Pumpkin. So, I don't know what I'll do, but if he must be put to sleep, you can count on me going through quite a grieving process.

So, the job is working out well. I'm working every other weekend at the craft desk, and then at the register through the week. If you want to know my actual detailed schedule and are my friend, ask and I'll share. It was overwhelming at first, but I am now catching on. I think I like doing the register best, because the time passes much more quickly there. I am still learning how to make bows, which I have to do when I am at the craft desk. You wouldn't believe how much it hurts your hands to make big, fancy bows, especially when you are learning. But, I am getting it. I'm so glad to finally be working. It feels good to actually get to say "yes" when people ask, "have you found a job yet?" So, people can stop thniking I wasn't looking hard enough and am a lazy bum and all that.

Other news... well there's not much, or at least not much that I really want to share with anyone who stumbles across this journal, that is. I've been just a little bit lonely at times, and had a few of those moods where I am like, "who's going to want a crazy quiet girl who does crafts for fun and likes Hanson and already acts like a crazy cat lady at age 22?" But, I just have to remind myself that someday, someone will actually see that I am much more than this, if they are willing to look beneath the surface and really get to know me.

So, I am pretty much out of things to say, even though I didn't say all that much. But, really, other than getting a job, there hasn't been a whole lot of excitement.

I have a job!!! And it's the one I really wanted. I start at Ben Franklin Crafts on Saturday, working the craft desk and scrapbooking department. It's a crazy story really. I put my application in there months ago, and nothing happened. It got to the point that I was applying anywhere I could, even places I was not thrilled about working. One of those places, Great American Bagel, called me and wanted to interview me last week. They did, and I ended up getting the job. I was dissapointed, though, because they weren't going to give me very many hours, and the man wasn't happy that I wouldn't work on Sunday mornings. But, the night after my interview, Ben Franklin called. They wanted me on nights and weekends, which is perfect for when school starts, since I have classes and internship during the daytime. And, they don't open until noon on Sundays, so I can still go to church. So, I went to that interview, which went well. After waiting all I could stand for them to call me back, I went in there today and talked to the manager, and he said I got the job. The worst part was having to call the bagel place and tell them I changed my mind, because I am just not good at that. Thankfully, I wasn't supposed to start there until Saturday, so I won't have to pay for a uniform or anything since I didn't use it yet. So, instead, I start at Ben Franklin Saturday and work a full eight hour day, which means, yay, lots of hours from the start! And one of my main duties will be to help people find scrapbooking stuff, so that will be perfect for me. Plus, I get a discount, so I'll be doing plenty of shopping once I finally get some money. I know I had to go a long time without a job, and it was discouraging, but it was worth all that waiting to get the job I really wanted.

I am, in fact, alive. I just get in these moods sometimes and I just don't feel like writing. That, and I have a had a pretty amazing few weeks.

To start with, my friends threw me a surprise party for my birthday, and I was completely shocked. I was not expecting it at all. So many people came that I wouldn't have even expected. It was really amazing. So, I had a really good 22nd birthday. If you're reading this and you're one of the people who came or helped put it on, thank you. It really meant a lot to me. I've never had a surprise party before. I felt really special. And thanks also to all of you who couldn't come, but sent me messages and cards.

Last Friday night I went to St. Louis with Kelly to see Plumb in concert. I have liked her since I was 15, and had never seen her before. It was a great concert. There weren't very many people there, so we got to stand in the front. Afterwards, I got to meet her and get an autograph and a picture. The other people who were with her, Ginny Owens and Omnisoul were also really good. I will say it was a little weird being in St. Louis, since that is where my ex boyfriend, Justin, lives, and I hadn't been there since we broke up almost two years ago. But, the past behind me, I had a great time.

I'm starting to have what I call guy drama again. That's what I get for actually allowing myself to like someone again after over a year of not even letting myself have real crushes. This guy will act like he likes me sometimes, then other times I can't really tell if he really just sees me as a friend and he just likes to flirt sometimes. It hurts a little, because I am no longer in a place where I just want to flirt and have fun. I want to be serious about a relationship, and it seems when I actually find a guy who's worth it to me to give my heart to, it's probably not what he wants.

So, in a nutshell, that has been my life these days. There are ups and downs and it's pretty eventful, despite the continued state of unemployment, which I'd just as soon not talk about right now.

Does anybody else here love how just when you get used to things the way they are something always comes and smacks you in the face as hard as it can and says, "Guess what? Another person you know has gone off the deep end and what they have done is going to crush you!" It seems to happen to me every couple of months now, and each time it only gets worse. It makes me all the more grateful that I believe in  God who never changes, because everyone else will. Just when you you are happy to see just what the people you care about have become, you find out they are lying to you and telling you they think you want to hear. I can't be specific here. I'm sorry for those of you like Brian who say I am too wordy and vague in here, but I can't disclose names or personal details about this situation. I just can't. But, Brian can rest assured I'm not talking about him.

Now, here comes all the preaching, so if you're not into all that, then I suggest you just get off this page because when Sarah gets going, she tells it like it is and it may be too much for your fragile little heart to handle. I may believe in protecting identities, but I don't believe in sugarcoating.  But, if you know me, you're used to it, so you'll be fine. And if you have some passion for Christ, then you might actually like what I have to say.

Let's start by talking about me. Despite what it seems people are saying, I am not this perfect little Christian who finds it a breeze to just read the Bible and pray and go to church and Bible study and do the right things and easily just trusts God with everything and never worries. And frankly, I don't think anyone is. I mess up all the time. Yes, I belong to Christ, and yes I do try to do the above, but I am a human being. It's not any easier for me to do any of it that than it is the next person. Yes, I have times when I feel super close to God and find it easy to pray, but not most of the time. Most of the time I feel like I am just getting by, and I could be doing so much more to know Him that I am not doing. So, let's just get rid of this assumption that it's easy and that I'm perfect. I'm tired of it. It's not who I am. It's not even close. I have to confess the same sins to God a million times just like you. Just like Paul, when I want to do good, evil is right there with me. But, that is no reason to give up and walk away. And maybe knowing that is what really makes me different, I don't know.

I think where a lot of people misunderstand God is that they try too hard to humanize him. I mean, if you keep hurting another person over and over and doing the same thing and then saying you promise not to do it again, but still do, they eventually proabably will get tired of you and stop forgiving you for it, and stop letting you come back. So, if you view God this way, then you are going to get discouraged and decide it's not worth it. But God is not like a human in that sense. He doesn't get tired of things and he doesn't sit there rolling his eyes like, "Here she goes again, doing the same thing, and I'm about ready to stop listening." Every single time we come before him, broken and empty and tell him we really don't want to do it again, he is overwhelmed with love for us and is thankful that we even came to him at all. He knows that we live in a fallen world and we still have the sinful nature in us, trying to fight its way back into control. He knows we can never be perfect. He only expects that we keep giving it all to him. I also think that many people have this illusion in their minds that there are certain Christians who "have it all together." They believe that these people just confess something to God, and then are fine and never even want to do it again, like it's so easy. But that is just not true. Every single Christian is also human. Every single Christian struggles with temptation. Every single Christian has some sins that they will repeat. Maybe what makes some different is that when they do the same sin, they don't wallow in the guilt, but just get right back to giving it to God. And that brings to mind another misunderstanding that many people have about being a Christian- that you have this list of rules that weighs you down and then all this guilt all the time when you break them. I won't even go into the first part of that issue, the fact that it shouldn't really be a burden to follow them if you're doing it out of thankfulness for all theat Christ did for you. Instead, I'm going to address the guilt issue. Christianity is not about feeling all this guilt because you messed up. It's really freedom from guilt through Christ. Now, of course you feel guilt at first, as you should, that is there so you'll go to God.  But once you confess, you don't have to worry about it anymore, because He forgives you as soon as you confess. You don't have to keep carrying it around anymore. I know it is easier said than done. But, despite what some may think, it is not God making you pay or making you feel guilty. Once you have confessed, he doesn't see that anymore when he looks at you. The kind of guilt that follows you after you confess comes from Satan. He wants you to feel like you're not good enough for God so you'll give up. So, guess what, if you do give up and just stop going back to God, Satan wins. And who wants that?

Now, I know I've rambled on forever, and I still have more to say, but no one is probably reading this anymore anyone, so I will get going. Before I go, I just want to say that all that I said can be found in the Bible, that is where I base it from, I'm sorry I am not elaborate enough to actaully look up and include alll the references, but if you do you research, it's all there, not worded the same exactly, but it's in there.

 

"13 days" not only happens to be the name of the song I am listening to, but it also happens to be the amount of time that has passed since I have written in this journal. I don't know why I don't do it. I have all the time in the world. I've had some interesting things happen, so there would have been things to say. I guess maybe I just don't know what to really say, because when your excitement comes from something you're not sure you're ready to share with the whole world yet, what do you say? It's like, oh, this thing happened, but I don't know if I should actually write it in here because the person it involves could read it and then if he doesn't feel the way I do about it, well, I'm an idiot for acting like it might have meant something. So, maybe I could leave it at that Sarah might like someone who may or may not have any interest in her at all. You can tell I am embarrassed when I start writing in third person like that.

So, yeah, I went caving and conoeing two weekends ago with the church group, and swimming and horseback riding this past weekend with Alissa. All that was fun. Well, once I figured out that if you paddle on the same side as the person in the front, you will crash into the bank. So, I have never been good at navigating any sort of object that gets you from one place to another, be it a canoe, a car, a lawnmower, etc. But, I still had fun, despite crashing into the bank and trees and other people's canoes and such. Canoeing is fun. I want to do it again now that I know how.

So, don't ask me about jobs. I don't want to talk about it. I really just want to scream and cry and ask why all 30 something places in this stupid town I have applied at don't see fit to hire me, no matter how many times I politely call them. Apparently I am of no use to anyone. Thank God I have parents who don't mind helping me out financially as long as they know I am trying. If not I'd be starving and homeless by now.

So, after I complained in my last entry about wanting to work on songs, my brother decided to be sweet and come over here last night and work on songs with me. We spent a few hours working on this one, and we have the basic idea of how the whole thing is going to go. It's going to be an interesting one. Josh is all about experimenting musically, and he wrote part of this song in 5/8 time- very different.

 

 

I've actually been pretty busy lately... good things are happening. The weekend was filled with my brother Josh's graduation and the events surrounding it, as well as various church activities. I'm getting to know tons of new people, and it's exciting. This weekend, I am going on the college canoe trip with church, and I am quite excited about it.

So, anyway, I would just like to say that I am doing really, really well as far as everything I talked about about a month ago with not taking Paxil anymore. I mean, yeah, I'm shy, but I am no longer afraid of groups of people, the way I was before I went on it, and that is a big difference. And I am not getting sick anymore like I was before I was on it. And I don't worry about things the way I used to. I'm pretty happy and most of the time am an optimist. So, going off of it was good, because I really did outgrow the problems that put me on it a few years ago.

So, I sang on worship team last night at the Gathering, and it made me realize how much I miss singing. It used to be my favorite thing in the world to do, and I guess it still is, I just haven't gotten to do it much lately except just singing to myself when I'm at home or driving around in my car. Even though I am almost 22 years old now and know that I'm not going to be some star like I thought when I was a little kid, I still wish that I had a good friend who played guitar or something who I could write songs with. I write lyrics all the time, and when someone else starts making things up on guitar, I can jump right in and make up a melody. I love this. My brother has done a few songs for me in the past, but I know he doesn't really want to do it with me because I'm his completely uncool sister. Maybe someday I'll be good friends with someone who is a really good guitarist and can write stuff. Maybe. I can only hope. Until then, my songwriting abilities will have to remain inside.

 

For not having a job, my life has been pretty eventful. Although, I think it's sad that our cutlure actually measures success in life by job status anyway. Even if a person is looking for a job, so many people have been cultured to believe that if a person doesn't have one and has been looking for more than like, a month, then they are automatically a lazy bum who lays on the couch all day and watches TV. And I am really sick of this lie, because it is so not true of me. Yes, do have peroids of boredom as I wait, but I'm not lazy. But, anyway...

I have an internship for the fall! I interviewed with Ireland & Luzio Behavioral Services on Friday morning, and they accepted me. I'll start there when school starts. It's not exactly the kind of work I eventually want to be doing for a career, since I am going on to get my master's in clinical social work, but I think it will be a great challenging, and eye opening experience.  I will basically be shadowing a social worker going into homes in which there have been reports of abuse and neglect and helping teach them the proper way to parent and take care of and meet the needs of their children. I wil also be supervising visitation between parents and their children that have been removed from the homes. I know that I would be afriad to do this kind of thing by myself. But, I will always be with a social worker. I think that it will teach me some important things that I probably wouldn't learn any other what than seeing the things I am going to see.

Bible study and prayer were last night, and they were once again, an awesome experience. I am so, so glad that I ended up there. I know I have said this before, but I really feel like being there is exactly the right place. Nothing that is said or done ever makes me uneasy or seems to not line up with the Bible, and I haven't had that feeling with some experiences in the past. Speaking of that, I got a chance to talk to Laura Schuler a little bit about some of the things that happened to me in the past that led me to the decision to become involved soley with this ministry, and we are going to talk more sometime soon. It was an amazing feeling to hear from her that Alissa and I are not alone in how we feel about certain things that happened and about certain individuals who let us down. It's nice to know that a very Godly person can agree that we did the right thing, when we faced a lot of opposition for doing so at the time. Some people tried to make me feel so guilty, and like I was the one who was wrong for my decision, even though I knew it was what God wanted me to do.

But, anyway, I know this is realy long, and I didn't even write about everything, so I'll save some for another day.

So, I just have to vent a little about some of the things I have seen going on around me, because I am saddened by them , and I wish people could understand a few things better. First, I have noticed a lot of people basing their self worth on whether or not they are in a relationship. Basically, they are only happy with themselves if they have that affirmation that somebody likes them enough to want to be with them. Then, when they are not in relationship, they are depressed because they no longer have that validation from another person. So, they either wallow in it and try to make people feel sorry for them, or they find someone else as quickly as they can so they can feel that assurance that they are desired. In reality, it's a really sad thing, because they never learn how to be content with who they are. Now, I am not saying that sometimes we don't all want that kind of assurance, because it is really nice to have it. Even though I have days where I crave that and I may write in here about wanting it, I am satisfied enough to know that I am enough without a guy. I haven't even dated anyone for two years, and to be honest, I am actually grateful. I wouldn't have wanted to waste any more time with somone who wasn't God's best for me. I've had opportunities to date a few guys, and after almost giving in, I realized that I was in it with the wrong motivation. I  could easily start searching through the internet and find a guy if I really wanted one, but I don't need that. I don't want someone just to be wanted. And I don't need that kind of validation to boost my self esteem. When random guys try to meet me on My Space, I delete them. I have put my faith in Someone bigger than the things I can control. I like who I am and I know that the reason I haven't dated is because my standards are high, and God is sparing me until I finally find the one he has in mind for me. Some days it gets really hard, but I am not here to say that I am better than those people who give in and settle, because it isn't my own strength that keeps me from trying to look for love, it is knowing that I have that assurance and validation that I am loved and I am desired by my Father in heaven. I know that good things come to those who wait.

This has been a good weekend. I got to hang out with Kelly, go to Brian's grad party, have dinner with my mom and give her the scrapbook I have been working on for many months, and attend the first meeting of the summer Bible study I am going to be a part of, which was really, really awesome!

I just got home, and I'm not really tired (one of the nice things about being off of Paxil, I can actually stay up late AND get up early instead of only being able to do one or the other). But, anyway, we are doing this really in depth Bible study, and we actually have homework everyday. It is really going to grow us all, but I am very ready for the challenge and am quite excited about it.  And there was a nice mix of people there- 5 guys, 4 girls, and then the leaders, Josh & Laura. It is a fun group of people. We hung out there after, and although I have become super quiet and hardly ever talk again since I'm not "drugged up," on antidepressant medication, I still laughed a lot at what everyone else was saying. I'm sure I'll warm up to everyone once we get into the habit of meeting and will begin to talk more. Being there made me really happy and I felt like I was in the right place, exactly where God wanted me. I experienced the kind of fellowship I haven't felt like I've had to that extent since leaving SCF, and it was great. It was also really encouraging to see college students that are so passionate about wanting to know Christ more and more, and are excited about studying God's word in such depth. Those kind of people are hard to come by these days.

So, that was my weekend. See ya next time...

I guess you could say that in the absence of school and employment, I have gone Hanson crazy. I set out on a quest to find a certain song, and I finally did. Then, I got on this craze for finding more unreleased songs. Alissa found 12 yesterday! Some of them I am already going to get from Kelly tonight, but she also found some more. So, here's a little picture that captures my feelings about Hanson latey...

Anyway, enough of that. I guess it doesn't matter that I have recommendations for jobs, I still can't get hired. This is getting really, really old. Precious day of summer are passing by that I could be earning money, and no one wants me. It's a good thing I am not the kind of person who measures my self worth by how desired I feel by others- I mean no employers want me, no guys want me, I could really be down if I didn't believe that they are all just not seeing in me what those who care most about me see.

On Alissa's birthday Tuesday, she and Brian and I went out to eat, and then we went to the playground by the river and got a little silly taking pictures. Then, we took a walk, came back to the apartment and had cake, while Brian kept trying to play jokes on me like putting pepper in my lemonade and putting my cat's food bowls in the freezer.

Wednesday night was the college gathering at church, and last night I went to a jewelry party with my mom at our neighbor's house. Tonight, I'm going out to eat with Kelly. I haven't hung out with her in so long, and I am very much looking forward to it.

I guess that's pretty much it.